bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
