Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
i dont even know how to be here
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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