Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
