I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Randomize
