We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
