If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
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