God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize
