I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
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