Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Randomize
