Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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