I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
