I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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