Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
