I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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