make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
this hospital has no fireball
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
