yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
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