apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Randomize
