if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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