So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
