She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
