I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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