No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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