She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
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