im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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