I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Found your dick twin last night
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
