Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
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