can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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