this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
