You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Randomize
