apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
