I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
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