I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
