shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
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