even my farts smell like vagina
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
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