Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Randomize
