I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
