I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
