I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
