I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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