I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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