you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
