i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
