Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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