Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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