whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
We're too hungover to prance.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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