so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Randomize
