I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Randomize
