Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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