Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
