God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Randomize
