I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
